Week 22 – The Epiphany

Introduction

This week, I had an epiphany. This epiphany was that I can teach. I am a teacher.

No matter what happens next, with review point 2 and my PT observing me next week, I can sleep soundly knowing that when my students come into the lesson, they will leave it having learned something (the vast majority of the time!).

This epiphany has been a milestone in my PGCE career. I am no longer stressing about every little target and are looking at them as the stepping stones to make me the best teacher I can possibly be.

I want to be the best teacher I can possibly be.

So, with that in mind, I am as determined as ever to continue what I am doing, but to also let myself appreciate other things that are important in life. It was one of my friend’s birthdays this week, so I have allowed myself to have two evenings off (crazy I know) and dedicate my time to her. Yes, the work load is never ending. Yes, sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in things I need to get done. Yes, the stress that I am not working when I feel like I should be working 24/7 is never going to go away. BUT, I have been working on focusing on what I need to do to keep myself sane. Regardless of these epiphanies, I’ve been feeling more down than up this week and I can’t seem to pinpoint why. This next step in building my career is to make sure that it is manageable for me, and I don’t isolate myself in an infinite prison of work. I can be a good teacher and maintain good mental health – it’s just going to take a bit of time to work out how to harmonise the details.

Bottom set year 10, period 5, teaching tissue – so why the LOG?

Picture this….

‘Tissue’ by Imtiaz Dharker. Stunning, thought-provoking and inspirational, yet completely, utterly and astoundingly difficult to grasp. I have spoken to some teachers who still say they have no idea what Dharker was trying to achieve with this poem. Every English teacher I have spoken to has said this is, generally, the hardest poem to teach; the hardest poem for students to get their head around.

Tuesday, period 5. The end of the day, just had a break for lunch, concentration levels are low. The week is still new, there is more left of the week than done.

Year 10. Bottom set. Concentration levels aren’t best on the whole, throw something challenging in the mix and they don’t always appreciate it.

So why, why WHY did I decide to make this an officially observed lesson by my AT? He doesn’t know the class, but is obviously familiar with the lesson context, mentioned previously. (This was definitely a blessing in hindsight.) I was stressed beyond imagination about this lesson. One of my lovely colleagues said to me something along the lines of if you nail it, you’re a fantastic teacher. If you mess it up, you’re just like the rest of us – this made it feel more manageable but didn’t stop my nerves. Did I mention that I had already started Tissue the day before, it didn’t go overly that well and this is why it was moved to this lesson?

However, despite the over the top anxiety, the lesson couldn’t have gone better! (Actually, it definitely could have for reasons I will explain in due course… but in comparison to my expectations, it was the best it could’ve been!) The students were actually able to prove they understood (on a basic level) the poem and seemed to make progress in how they structure and write their ‘PEAL’ paragraphs (I mean we’ll see if they remember everything for the end of unit assessment, which will most likely be after half term!)

I also managed to tick off one of my targets – adapting the lesson as I go to meet the needs of pupils. I had a little… moment of human error. I may have been too prepared for the lesson, printing off the resources before checking them properly. I had typed up the paragraph we wrote together the lesson before, with the intention to have them underline where we would have met the assessment objectives. I then had another model paragraph ready, cut up so they could piece it back together. Turns out I had used the same paragraph for both activities, making the latter redundant… not my smartest move! However, I felt it was important to be completely honest with my students. They are all aware that I am a trainee teacher, and I feel that they empathise with me and – dare I say it – like me more because of my honesty with them. By treating them with the respect, on the whole, they have been completely respectful to me back. I like the idea that by showing them that I make mistakes, it makes it ok for them to make mistakes too – and that’s important.

After the lesson, I felt elated and relieved. However, the stress has come right back around again…. My PT is observing me with this class again on Tuesday. She is a deputy head, so hopefully they will behave… they definitely had ‘wind syndrome’ today, so I wouldn’t want a repeat of that!

Impostor syndrome strikes again

One of the things that I can’t seem to stop thinking about is how other teachers feel about my teaching. Every teacher seems to have their own personal list about what makes a good lesson, and they only seem to vaguely overlap with main ideas. This leads to me getting very varied feedback and can be completely confusing at times.

The one thing I find particularly hard to deal with, is when teacher’s interrupt my teaching to make a comment to the class. I know it is meant with the best intentions, and I am also completely aware that this is their class, and they are ultimately responsible for their progress – I am a complete risk in the eyes of education.

One moment that has particularly stuck with me this week, was when I was doing a preparation for the end of unit assessment. They were due to plan their assessment with their class teacher on Wednesday, as my PT meetings clash with that lesson, and she has taught travel writing many times before, and has a really clear idea about what she expects. Now, I knew that the students were going to write a piece of travel writing to entertain. We had looked at writing to inform and to persuade as well, and as a result used their ‘FASTER CARS’ acronym for what to include in persuasive writing.

I was taking general feedback about what makes good travel writing. I have been working on how to give students ownership over success criteria and, after spending a lot of time having to shut students down because it isn’t what I want them to come up with, I have found the easiest way to do this is to write down everyone’s answers and then come up with a final list. One of my higher ability students suggested FASTER CARS, and I added it to the board. In my head, I thought ‘great, a lovely little afl piece I can use later, asking them why we wouldn’t include this if we were writing to entertain’. Whilst I was writing this on the board, the class teacher addressed the class, completely shutting down the idea and explaining why that wasn’t going to be the case.

I know exactly why she did it, it just felt awful at the time. I felt completely undermined, more so because she didn’t give me a chance to see what I might’ve done with that information, or even catch my eye to see if it was ok to address the class. Moments like this throw my confidence and make me feel like just a trainee. I know it might sound silly because that is, in fact, what I am. But the majority of the time, as mentioned in my introduction, I do feel like a teacher. It’s just those moments that make me question my role in the classroom. Why am I doing this? Why am I humiliating myself?

Finishing travel writing….

On a slightly better note, I swiftly moved on from that moment and the students wrote their assessments on Thursday. They worked so hard! I have started marking them, based on the English Language Paper 1 Q5 mark scheme and grade boundaries and, so far, everyone has been on or above their target grade! It is such an amazing feeling!

… and starting 19^thCentury Prose round 2

So, after finishing travel writing, which has definitely been my favourite SOW to teach, it was time to move on to 19^thcentury prose. I recycled the introduction lesson, playing the Dickens’ game and research. It was a complete dream planning the second time round – I already had an idea of how to improve my planning, resources and teaching.

This was the sheet I used last time, for the research project:

They also had to find 10 more fascinating facts for homework and print out any pictures they want to use on their posters.

I found that some of this research was not directly relevant to the texts we study, and that it could be more useful to focus on gender and class, as opposed to London. Moreover, I had them take a page in their books and draw their own grid, with the intentions of having it filled in by the end of the lesson. I found that a lot of students spent nearly as long drawing and perfecting the grid than they did actually researching, and that a lot of them didn’t get at least 5 facts in each section – which was my minimum aim.

This is the new resource I created:

I figured that if they had a print out of the sheet, they would be able to take it home to finish off for homework (a fantastic motivating factor!). I also added to this homework, by telling them to find 5 fascinating facts about Bleak House. I am hoping that this will help them to have an idea about what the mammoth novel is about, before approaching it with them next week.

My hard work paid off – this was definitely an easier way to do the research! I also asked them to pair up and split the research, as we didn’t have as much time as I would’ve liked (Friday timings are slightly shorter and I was in a year 10 assembly that ran on for an extra 5 minutes = 10 minutes of lesson time gone… plus we had to actually get to the computer room!). The majority got at least 15 points down, and they worked well together to finish off their research… although they will be dismayed when they see I have put them in different groups on Monday!

Currently Reading:

The Eolian Harp & Kubla Khan – Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Kubla Khan is now one of my favourite poems. It is a unique poem, interweaving the ‘sublime’ with the exotic, creating a beautiful Romantic masterpiece.

Bleak House – Charles Dickens

Animal Farm – George Orwell

A Monster Calls –Patrick Ness

More than one tear was shed in the reading of this book – cancer being an illness very close to my heart. I loved reading about a boy struggling with accepting his Mum’s inevitable death. A very accessible book, an easy read but a sensitive topic… may not be suitable for all students!

Week 20 – Rollercoaster

Introduction

It would be apt to describe this weekend as a rollercoaster – not the cheesy metaphor suggesting that there have been a lot of highs and lows – but more to describe the sheer elation that this week has brought along with it!

Most importantly, I did not have a low point at all this week! Yes, I have felt tired, completely overwhelmed and have been worrying about whether or not the students have met any of my learning objectives at all… but I have not felt consumed by panic and anxiety – a first for me!

As well as this, my AT has agreed with me that I will be starting to be alone in the classroom with the year 9s we share, I have shared a few resources that are being used with the faculty (one of them being an important literacy focus sheet that all year 9s will be sticking in their books for as long as they teach the 19^thcentury unit!) and Friday brought two massive highs: a fantastic UT visit and finding out I have got a distinction in my first EPS assignment.

So, all around, I am very happy! Now, I know a few people may be thinking that I am boasting about my good fortune. This is not the case – the main reason I am writing this down and sharing it on the internet is that will undoubtedly need a reminder of how good teaching can feel at some point over the next few months – (probably on multiple occasions!). So, anyone reading this that knows me…. When this inevitably happens point me in this direction!!

Alone in the classroom

My AT had popped out a few times last week, never for longer than a few minutes. The first time this happened I completely had an internal freak out – what will I do without my safety blanket? How will I know if I am completely failing these amazing students in front of me?!

So, when he had the conversation with me about him dropping his presence in the classroom to one lesson a week, I had a tangle of conflicting emotions: my AT actually thinks I am a competent enough teacher to be left alone – I must be doing great! Versus AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

However, when the time came for me to be left alone for the majority of the lesson, I couldn’t have loved it more! It really felt like they were finally my own class; I’m not just borrowing them for a bit here and there – I am their official, real, true-life teacher for these two schemes of work. It felt amazing. I could feel myself oozing with confidence and this worked wonders in engaging my learners. I am so excited for the next few weeks, finishing off 19^thcentury prose with them!

On a side note, one of my highlights this week was reading a section of Bleak House with my year 9s. I had one boy reading as Jo, a cockney, very poor and young street sweeper, and another boy reading as Lady Dedlock, a very wealthy, fashionable lady. They completely nailed the parts and it was an absolute pleasure to witness! It was definitely one of those that-is-why-I-have-gone-into-teaching moments! J

Rising Star – 6^thform helper!

It is worth pointing out here that I will not be completely alone for 3 of my lessons a fortnight – I will be having a ‘rising star’ in with me. The rising stars programme is for sixth form students looking to put something extra on their CVs/ personal statements – they pick the subject they are interested in and work as a kind of TA in the class.

Boy does this take me back! The whole reason I am an English teacher is because my incredible A-Level teacher took me under her wing and allowed me to help out in a few of her classes. I can honestly say that without that experience, I would not be where I am now. She completely inspired me and made me feel as if I was good enough to make a difference in other people’s lives, and it is an experience that will stick with me for the rest of my life.

And now I am standing in front of a class of students, with the opportunity to do the same to my rising star…. And I am not even qualified yet! This student is also in both of the year 12 classes I will be teaching, and he even asked me excitedly if I would be taking their classes soon! I am completely keen to get him helping out as much as he feels comfortable with – I gave him a particularly difficult passage form Bleak House to read and he nailed it! Very proud already… and very excited to hopefully inspire him as Mrs M inspired me!

EPS assignment 2

As mentioned before, today I found out my last assignment achieved a distinction, which I am completely over the moon! The main area of improvement I had was to write more on how this will impact my own practice, so that is something I will keep in mind for my next assignments.

But for now, this is done and dusted, and it is now time to face forward to ensure that I do not let my standards drop – something that is a very real possibility, considering the difference in workload on this placement, and something that I plan on being completely honest about! In monitoring my work ethic in this way, I hope to be able to pinpoint any reasons as to why I perform in a certain way – I like lists and organisation… this worked in my undergrad and will hopefully work for me again this year!

As I believe I have mentioned previously, I will be looking at high achieving sixth form students and how feedback can be used to aid pupil progression. This assignment is pass/ fail – not at masters level – thus the stakes are much lower, so I feel way more comfortable about taking my time with it, prioritising my lesson plans. Although, saying this, I plan to get the majority of my reading done by this week, and begin to look at pinning some teachers down to interview in the near future! The only thing I am worried about, is that the research will be boring or will not be of any use to anyone. Feedback, in my opinion, is one of the most important things in teaching, and I want to be able to give my learners, present and future, every opportunity I can to achieve and even surpass their target grades.

University Tutor Visit

It felt pretty surreal to have my UT observing me so soon into P2 – that is, until I realised that we are actually half way through P2 now! (Pretty scary when I think about the amount of work I need to cover with my classes before their end of unit assessments!)

Friday timings are slightly different in this school, as they have extended tutor time, and I had already agreed to take the tutor session before my UT timetabled our observations. I had a few stressful thoughts – there are a lot of lovely students in my tutor group (year 10s) but they are probably the least engaged class I have worked with so far and will constantly chat throughout any of the sessions. I am a little unsure as to whether planned tutor sessions for every tutor is fair to the students – I have many fond memories of tutor time just being a bit of fun – light relief from the heavy work load placed on secondary school students! Obviously, there are some issues to cover, but surely it should be down to the tutor to decide when and how they deliver the topics?

That being said, the session I delivered today was ridiculously interesting! So much so that the class was completely engaged, and nearly all the chatter in the class was about the topic! Very exciting to me – especially with my UT watching! We had a look at algorithms, self-driving cars and thought experiments (much to many of my tutees’ delight, we watched this clip from The Good Place: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWb_svTrcOg) Following this, we had many interesting discussions about ethics and whether it is right to prioritise ourselves or our loved ones instead of thinking about the ‘greater good’.

I’m not going to lie… the nervous sweats had started before then and they weren’t letting up for my year 9 lesson I was being formally observed in! To have both my university tutor and head of English in with me – and me wanting to impress both of them! – was a little too much for my stress levels to deal with rationally! But, much to my relief, the feedback I had was completely fantastic, and I am still aiming for the ‘very good’ teacher pen profile – a realistic target for me, which is good to know!

I think part of my success today was down to my subject knowledge – I taught a lesson where my students wrote a piece of travel writing about Fiji. Those who know me, are aware that Fiji is my favourite country in the whole world, and I hold it very dear to my heart as my beloved grandparents lived there for 3 years. Being able to tell my class little anecdotes – even having one of my students (usually too ‘cool’ to appear interested in anything I say) putting her hand up to ask in awe “Wait, miss have you actually been here?!” – felt completely amazing.

What was even more amazing was marking their work this evening. These students who have never set foot in Fiji – some of them had never even heard of Fiji – have convincingly written about ‘Kava’ and ‘Fiji time’. I can’t even put into words how proud I am on them… I can’t wait to tell them on Tuesday! And, even more importantly, I believe I am doing my grandparents proud, following in their footsteps with both Fiji and teaching!

Currently Reading:

Poppies– Jane Weir

Another one of the anthology poems! Again, I have found I really enjoyed this poem – even more excitingly for me, one of my bottom set students gave a beautiful explanation as to why we wear poppies (even referencing In Flanders Fields!).

The Importance of Being Ernest – Oscar Wilde

I have finally finished this play! Again, I am obsessed with it – I love Wilde’s works! The twist at the end was completely fantastic and I am tempted to do some extra reading around it, to see if any contextual factors influence my reading of it! I will definitely be reading some more Wilde in the near future, however, for now, I feel as if I should move to reading something maybe more contemporary?

Bleak House– Charles Dickens

Still persevering with this epic novel! I am enjoying it and, the more my AT explains little parts of it, the more I am truly appreciating Dickens’ genius!

Girlhood– Cat Clarke

I always find YA fiction easy to read – in some ways it is more addictive than some of the other genres I read, as they are often very accessible and easy to read, as well as including gripping plots. This was no exception.

Girlhoodfollows the protagonist, Harper, who goes to a private boarding school as her family won the lottery – the day her twin sister dies. It is a story about friendship, mental health issues and family. It is definitely more for older teenagers to read, there are a lot of mature themes to deal with, as well as (as far as I remember – could be wrong!) some coarse language. Nevertheless, there are a few interesting twists – predictable, but enjoyable all the same!